What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Non-monogamy is a relationship style that involves having multiple romantic or sexual partners with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships, swinging, and relationship anarchy. You can also see people reference non-monogamy in other ways such as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), ethical non-monogamy (ENM), or responsible non-monogamy.
At its core, non-monogamy is about creating relationships that work for the people involved, rather than adhering to societal norms or expectations. Non-monogamous relationships are based on communication, trust, and mutual respect, and require a high degree of self-awareness and emotional maturity.
Is non-monogamy for me?
Non-monogamy is not for everyone (and that’s okay!). It's important to approach any ethically non-monogamous dynamic with an open mind and a willingness to learn. If you're interested in exploring non-monogamy, it's important to do your research, communicate clearly with your partners, and prioritize your own emotional and physical safety.
How does non-monogamy work?
Well, this is quite a broad question but I’ll try to be succinct here. There are different types of non-monogamous relationship structures, and the way they work can vary based on the specific arrangement and the needs of the people involved.
In some non-monogamous relationships, partners may have a primary relationship or a "nesting" partner, with whom they share a home, finances, and major life decisions. A nesting partner can often come from choice by starting a monogamous relationship and later down the line deciding to open up. People in CNM arrangements may also have additional partners, sometimes referred to as "secondary" or "satellite" partners. Other non-monogamous relationships may not have a primary partner, and partners may have equal status or may be more fluid in their connections.
Communication is a key component of healthy non-monogamous relationships, and partners must be open and honest with each other about their feelings, desires, and boundaries. It's also important to establish clear agreements about how the relationships will work, including issues related to safer sex, time management, and emotional support. These are conversations that should be had in any type of relationship - monogamous or not.
What are the different types of non-monogamous relationships?
There are several types of non-monogamous relationships, each with its own unique characteristics and arrangements and this isn’t even a comprehensive list of all the possibilities. Here are some of the most common types of non-monogamous relationships:
Polyamory: Polyamorous relationships involve having romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Polyamorous relationships can take many forms, including triads, quads, and larger networks of partners. Groups of more than two can also be called Polycules.
Open relationships: In an open relationship, partners agree to have sexual relationships with people outside of the relationship. This can involve having casual sex with others or having more involved romantic and sexual relationships.
Swinging: Swinging involves couples exchanging partners for sexual activities, such as threesomes or group sex. Swinging is typically focused on sexual activities rather than emotional connections and will usually start as a “soft swap” rather than fully diving into exchanging partners.
Relationship anarchy: Relationship anarchy challenges the idea that relationships must be structured in a certain way. In relationship anarchy, partners may not have defined roles or labels and may have multiple intimate relationships that can vary in intensity and duration.
Solo polyamory: Solo polyamory involves individuals having multiple relationships but not necessarily having a primary partner (see nesting partner above). Solo polyamorous individuals may prioritize their independence and autonomy while still enjoying emotional and sexual connections with others.
These are just a few examples of the types of non-monogamous relationships that exist. It's important to note that non-monogamous relationships can take many different forms and can be customized to suit the needs and desires of the people involved.
What are the benefits of non-monogamy or polyamory?
Non-monogamous relationships can offer a variety of benefits, including increased intimacy, personal growth, and expanded social and sexual networks.
Better Sex? Feeling more connected to my partner? Count me in!
Consensual non-monogamous relationships can provide opportunities for increased intimacy, both emotionally and physically, as partners can explore new connections and experiences. Esther Perel often emphasizes the importance of novelty in relationships and CNM dynamics can get the job done.
Finding your own self-worth and slashing insecurities, that’s the life.
Ethical non-monogamy can offer opportunities for personal growth, as partners may need to work through jealousy, insecurity, and other challenging emotions.
Expanded social and sexual networks:
Non-monogamous relationships can provide opportunities to meet new people and expand social and sexual networks.
More varied experiences:
Non-monogamy can allow partners to experience a wider range of sexual and emotional connections than is possible in a monogamous relationship.
What are the challenges of navigating non-monogamy?
However, they can also present challenges, such as jealousy, feelings of insecurity, and potential logistical issues. It's important for people interested in non-monogamy to educate themselves, communicate effectively, and prioritize their emotional and physical safety.
Jealousy and insecurity:
Non-monogamous relationships can be challenging emotionally, as partners may need to navigate jealousy and insecurity.
Time management:
Non-monogamy can require significant time management and scheduling to maintain multiple relationships.
Potential for emotional harm:
Non-monogamy can involve a higher risk of emotional harm, as partners may develop deep connections with multiple people and may experience the loss of those connections.
Societal stigma:
Non-monogamy is often stigmatized by society, which can make it difficult for partners to navigate their relationships openly and without fear of judgment or discrimination.
It's important for individuals interested in non-monogamy to carefully consider these potential benefits and drawbacks and to communicate openly with their partners about their desires, boundaries, and expectations. Non-monogamy can be a rewarding and fulfilling way to structure relationships, but it's not for everyone, and it requires a significant amount of communication, honesty, and emotional maturity to navigate successfully.
Learn ten top tricks to tame your jealousy in less time than it takes you to spiral to the worst case scenario
What ethical non-monogamy isn’t
Just as it’s important to discuss what consensual non-monogamy is, it’s important to talk about what it isn’t as there’s plenty of misconceptions. Cheating: Non-monogamy involves consensual agreements between partners to engage in multiple relationships. Cheating, on the other hand, involves breaking the agreed-upon terms of a monogamous relationship without the knowledge or consent of one's partner.
A free-for-all: Non-monogamy is not about having sex with anyone and everyone without any rules or boundaries. Non-monogamous relationships require careful communication, boundary-setting, and consent from all parties involved.
A way to fix a broken relationship: Non-monogamy is not a solution for a relationship that is struggling or failing. Non-monogamy requires a strong foundation of trust, communication, and emotional maturity to work successfully.
A sign of commitment issues: Non-monogamous relationships can be just as committed and loving as monogamous relationships. Non-monogamy is a choice that some people make to structure their relationships in a way that feels more authentic and fulfilling for them.
Wrapping up
It's important to understand that non-monogamy is a valid and legitimate way to structure relationships. Non-monogamous relationships require just as much care, communication, and commitment as monogamous relationships, and they can offer unique opportunities for growth, connection, and intimacy.
You might still be wondering:
How do you handle jealousy in a non-monogamous relationship?
How do you navigate safer sex and STI prevention in non-monogamy?
How do you come out as non-monogamous to friends and family?
What resources are available for people interested in exploring non-monogamy?
Stay tuned for the next blogs to get these answers!
Paige Bond (She/Her)
Paige Bond is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and ENM relationships with concerns about sexual intimacy and relationship anxiety/insecurity. She is also:
the founder of Couples Counseling of Central Florida,
the host of the Stubborn Love podcast
and the creator of the Jealousy to Joy Journey to help people pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy.
She’s invested countless hours of hard work and dedication into her therapy practice studying what helps build secure relationships - in monogamous ones and otherwise.
