Navigating Non-Monogamy: Addressing Stigma, Communication, and Patriarchy
Consensual non-monogamy CNM) is a kind of relationship is when all parties involved agree to have romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple partners at the same time. This can include different forms of non-monogamy such as open relationships, polyamory, swinging, and other similar arrangements. With about 22% of Americans have been in a (CNM) relationship at some point in their life and up to 5% of the current population is currently engaged in some sort of CNM dynamic, this is something that needs to be talked about more often.
In today’s day and age, there is a significant lack of education and resources for relationship styles outside of the cisgender heterosexual monogamous norm which can lead to stigmatizing populations outside of those norms. This blog post will give you the best communication practices in CNM relationships as well as how to address jealousy, stigma, and patriarchy to highlight the effects those topics can have on this population.
Paige Bond is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and ENM relationships with concerns about jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if we are a good fit.
1. Communication in CNM Relationships
Being in a non-monogamous relationship can be fulfilling, and even thrilling, to explore different connections you meet with people along the way. However, this seems to be one of the most common issues between many romantic partners. In fact communication problems are not foreign to most of my work in couples therapy.
You may not realize it but you have different ways you can communicate to your partner. There’s explicit and implicit communication styles. The former is very direct and not vague at all, the latter may involve euphemisms or non-verbal body language and cues to communicate.
If someone prefers explicit communication, they will likely avoid misunderstandings and a great deal of hurt feelings. Imagine actually getting answers to the questions you ask. Although, implicit communication has its strengths because it can help everyone involved feel a sense of relief in avoiding awkward discussions around uncomfortable topics. If you just started talking about opening up your relationship, there may be some uncomfortable feelings and you may prefer to have implicit communication as you work on calming down intense emotions.
Related, euphemisms can help partners communicate to each other with certain words or phrases that can soften the blow of uncomfortable topics. However, to avoid getting hurt or unnecessary misunderstandings, it’s important to communicate ahead of time what these euphemisms mean.
All in all, just be transparent in your communication in your CNM relationship or otherwise. This is crucial in making sure that healthy boundaries, expectations, and feelings are regularly discussed so that all parties feel secure.
2. Stigma in Polyamory, Open Relationships, and other CNM Relationships
People in CNM relationships often have overlap with the LGBTQIA+ community and both face stigma for how they express themselves. We still live in a society where people think monogamy is the only acceptable form of relationship which continues to be reinforced in certain cultures, religions, and other societal pressure (myths like “you are the one”.) Many people in an open relationship can often feel ashamed to be open about their status as they could face discrimination from friends, coworkers, and even therapists.
CNM relationships can often find themselves in situations where they have a lack of legal protections, which can understandably be a stressor on anyone’s mental health. Examples of discrimination include the United States Military prohibiting CNM relationships under Article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and those involved can face serious charges. One beautiful benefits of polyamory is that adults may decide to cohabitate and may find financial relief because of that, however, some landlords may refuse to rent to CNM tenants which can result in housing barriers and progressing in a relationship.
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3. Jealousy is normal, even in monogamous relationships
Jealousy is a common and complex emotion that can happen in ANY relationship, but it definitely can be highlighted when exploring ethical non-monogamy. Unfortunately, when jealousy shows its head in your relationship, you’re made to believe that you should feel guilty or be ashamed of it. When in fact, jealousy is natural and shouldn’t be labeled as a “bad emotion” because that perpetuates the stigma around it.
Yes Yes. Just like any other emotion, if we take the same approach to jealousy as we do with other emotions, it can be manageable. Often times people will say “oh if you’re jealous in your open relationship maybe you shouldn’t be in one” which does not have any evidence meaning jealousy = inability to be in a CNM relationship. What’s most important is to be open to your jealousy and avoid “stuffing it down” as a way to numb the difficult feelings and sensations with it.
In honor of not avoiding things, it’s best to also let your partner know the situations that you experience jealousy in so they can better understand you, and learn how to best comfort you. If your partner may not be available, remember to rely on an already established support system that is emotionally healthy and supportive of ethical non-monogamy so that bias may not color how they support you. You may also find people who are supportive, can relate to what you are going through, and may offer helpful advice about jealousy when in an open relationship in online and local meet up groups.
4. How monogamy can perpetuate patriarchal ideas
Patriarchy is a social system in which men hold power and dominance over women. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a relationship style in which two people agree to be exclusive to each other.
The intersection of these two concepts can lead to a number of challenges for women in monogamous relationships. For example, patriarchal values often prioritize male pleasure and sexual dominance, which can lead to women feeling pressured or obligated to engage in sexual acts that they may not be comfortable with. This can also create power imbalances in relationships, where men may hold more control or decision-making power.
In addition, the expectation of monogamy can place a significant burden on women to fulfill all of their partner's emotional and sexual needs. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or guilt when they are unable to meet those expectations. Furthermore, the idea of "ownership" or possessiveness of a partner in a monogamous relationship can reinforce patriarchal values and perpetuate the idea that women are objects to be possessed.
The evaluation of criteria for being an acceptable member of different communities is also a relevant topic in this section. In many cases, communities may have certain expectations or standards for what constitutes a "good" or "acceptable" member. These expectations may be based on factors such as race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or relationship style.
It is important to recognize that these criteria are often rooted in oppressive systems, such as patriarchy or white supremacy, and can exclude or marginalize individuals who do not fit those standards. It is crucial to challenge these expectations and work towards creating more inclusive and accepting communities that value diversity and individual autonomy.
Finally, the post discusses the benefits and drawbacks of relationships reflecting community identity. While being part of a community can provide a sense of belonging and support, it can also lead to pressure to conform to certain expectations or standards. This can be especially challenging for individuals who do not fit neatly into any one community or who have non-traditional relationship styles.
It is important to recognize that relationships should be based on individual needs and desires, rather than conforming to societal expectations or community standards. While community support can be valuable, it is ultimately up to individuals to determine what works best for them and their partners.
In Closing
Much like in a monogamous relationship, it’s important to have healthy and open communication. It’s important to acknowledge the stigma around having an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Early education normalizing relationships outside of the cisgender heterosexual monogamous default relationship lens can prevent such discrimination.
If jealousy pops up for you while in a relationship, don’t let it fester. It’s a normal feeling so take care of that shit like any other feeling like sadness or anger so it doesn’t explode out of nowhere. Monogamy and patriarchy can lead to a number of challenges for women in monogamous relationships and it’s important to challenge oppressive systems and value individual autonomy in relationships.
If you’re stressed while opening your relationship, reach out today to find relief
Paige Bond is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and ENM relationships with concerns about sexual intimacy and relationship anxiety/insecurity. She is also:
the founder of Couples Counseling of Central Florida,
the host of the Stubborn Love podcast
and the creator of the Jealousy to Joy Journey to help people pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy.
She’s invested countless hours of hard work and dedication into her therapy practice studying what helps build secure relationships - in monogamous ones and otherwise.
