Polyamory – What it is and what it isn’t
We’re officially entering an era of non-monogamous love.
Albeit the non-conforming symbiotic model has been around since the beginning of time, it’s only now that we begin to realize how frequent and natural the taboo romantic scheme actually is.
At last, we can afford to think outside the imposed love model. For many, “My one, true love” monologue invites nothing less but a burst of uncontrollable laughter, followed by pity and sympathy. For the ones “gone rogue”, the monogamous majority’s compass lacks amorous latitude and courage.
“He who dares-” you know the saying. While many believe polyamory is the end of all ends of monogamy, the two entities are anything but comparable. Today we’re discussing the non-monogamous spectrum and what polyamory is and what it isn’t.
Paige Bond is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and ENM relationships with concerns about jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity.
As a jealousy expert, she hopes to help people opening their relationship tame the green eyed monster so they can feel secure and love with ease.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started today.
What is polyamory?
It’s how love is comprehended beyond the norm of today’s society, a buzzword raising curious eyebrows and flushed cheeks. The unconventional God of romance; Bachus, perhaps? Or Dionysus, the god of divine madness and fine wine. Bacchanalia, or bacchanal meaning “divine orgy”, comes from the Bacchus (Roman) or Dionysus (Greek version). Granted, the ones in non-monogamous relationships do not enjoy a demigod status, but they do well in the realm of love.
So, what is polyamory? – Poly (more than one, many) + Amory (romantic, love) is a form of a non-monogamous romantic relationship that involves more than two participants. It can be described as an open yet intimate relationship with more than one love interest at a time.
People involved can be of any sexual orientation, just as any polyamorous relationship can include people of differing sexual preferences.
These relationships aren’t necessarily sexual in nature but are rather perceived through a romantic lens.
How does polyamory work?
So, how does polyamory work?
The term portrays having several romantic bonds at the same time. Still, there’s a plot twist: each partner within the romantic amphibious formation has been informed and has consented to multiple open-relationship lifestyles. Under the radar is not how this distinct romantic patchwork works; it includes utter transparency. However, there are layers. Each polyamorous individual is given the freedom to (re)construct their own definition of boundaries and structure, and it is solely based on what the person is comfortable with and how they perceive romantic correlations.
The majority of polyamorous individuals don’t enjoy a structured setup; instead, they adopt a multiple romantic relationship grid, as they leave their love door open and embracing of spontaneity and chance. These types of relationships can be of hierarchical or non-hierarchical nature, depending on the individual’s personal preference. Types of polyamorous relationships include:
Vee
A vee is a relationship that includes a person dating two separate individuals; the person’s romantic partners are not sexually or romantically involved with each other. Their only overlapping romantic or sexual coordination is their shared person of interest. It’s called a “vee” due to the letter “V” and its distinct shape.
Triad
A throuple, or a triad, is a relationship between three consenting individuals who are enamored with each other, romantically and/or sexually. The carnal trigonometry. As unorthodox and taboo as we perceive it to be, the context is pretty much straightforward, just as with any monogamous relationship. With one slight adjustment: 2 equals 3. Everything else remains exactly the same. You are just expanding your monogamous boundaries and accommodating that + one next to your + one. Love flows in all directions.
Quad
Much like the triad, a quad is a romantic relationship between four partners who enjoy romantic and/or sexual connection with each other. The result is the only thing that counts; how one gets to forming a quad is on the irrelevant side. A triad could organically connect to a new partner or result from having two couples connecting and creating a quad.
Work with a polyamory friendly therapist near you.
Jessica Fern’s different types of non-monogamy
From the book: Polysecure
Polyamory: hierarchical
Hierarchy is no stranger to human beings. In a polyamorous relationship, a hierarchical type would prioritize one relationship over another. Within the polycule (the people involved within a distinct polyamorous “system”), there is always a primary partner. (living partner, spouse) In this case, primary partners make decisions together.
Polyamory: non-hierarchical
As suggested, the non-hierarchical type plays no favorites; there is no prioritizing. Each relationship within the structure will be autonomous and unique. All partners work together, intending to reach a unanimous decision. A real-life quorum. And, so, for example, if one person says “yay” to long-distance moving in Florida, the rest would deliberate and reach a unanimous: let’s find experts to organize the transfer. – That’s love.
Other less common forms of polyamory include:
sopo (solo polyamory), or – a one-person show. The individual in question has no obligation toward their partners when making decisions.
kitchen table polyamory – the primary focus is family. Members provide support and enjoy family gatherings, although not everyone may be romantically or sexually involved.
parallel polyamory – the opposite of the previous subgroup; partners are not inclined to get emotionally involved with other members of the structure.
mono-polyamory – one partner is monogamous, and the other is polyamorous.
What polyamory isn’t
It’s not to be mistaken for polygamy. Polygamy, unlike polyamorous relationships, involves being married to several partners. In its most common form, it is best described as polygyny, where a man marries multiple women. Its counterpart, polyandry, is a less conventional social form where a woman marries multiple men. (depending on the culture) Polyamory also excludes:
casual hookups (one-night stands with numerous partners without emotional bonding)
swinging (where single individuals and partners in committed relationships indulge in consensual sexual activities with other parties, perceived as recreational and not emotionally binding)
Learn ten top tricks to tame your jealousy in less time than it takes to spiral into your worst-case-scenario
Final words
Polyamory can pose distinct challenges for the ones involved: jealousy, time, and energy constraints. There is also an evident lack of acceptance from society. The non-monogamous lifestyle is not for everyone; it’s what you’d call an acquired taste. Is it up your alley?
Paige Bond (She/Her)
Paige Bond is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping individuals, couples, and ENM relationships with concerns about sexual intimacy and relationship anxiety. She is also:
the founder of Couples Counseling of Central Florida,
the host of the Stubborn Love podcast
and the creator of the Jealousy to Joy Journey to help people pleasing millennials navigate non-monogamy.
She’s invested countless hours of hard work and dedication into her therapy practice studying what helps build secure relationships - in monogamous ones and otherwise.
